I know la, I know.
I know I said I’d only blog when MSTs (mid-semestral tests) are over this coming week, but I thought I’d do a quick one because as usual the whole workload is bearing down on me and I need to release steam! Also because I’ve been thinking extensively about a topic I want to talk about. The content-based details of day-to-day stuff will be posted after MSTs as per promised! 🙂
Anyway, I really wanted to talk about how people are saying that I am crazy and insane recently. So far, I have heard these reasons for being ‘insane’:
– “She siao one, grades not super good, got 7-8 CCAs, still want to do theatre and Korean!”
– “Hardcore one leh she. Everyday either going for CCA or theatre or studying.”
– “Her language got so good meh? Want to do English theatre, keep speaking Chinese, then go learn Korean somemore! She got so good or not? Crazy one..”
I’ve been ruminating a lot on this question for the past few weeks lately – If I can have anything in the world that I want, what would it be?
My answer is mostly the same: I want to learn everything I want to without restrictions.
There has been more than one time this week when I fervently wished that I had 2 selves, 48 hours in a day, 14 days a week, and all the money in the world to do what I want to do most – study. Learn.
Of course there are parameters to what I want to study. First and foremost, I want to pursue my love of language to the ends of the Earth. I want to study Literature. Ancient Chinese History. Theatre (both English and Chinese). Korean. Linguistics. Afrikaans. Icelandic. A bunch of other crazy languages. Law. Nutrition. Psychology. Marketing. Human Resource.
And yes, I know that it is virtually impossible. Even if I spent my entire life studying, I would not be able to cover all that because there is a limit to what I can do. Not to mention that I do not necessarily want to learn in the proposed structure i.e. essays, exams all that. What if I was only out for the knowledge? But it doesn’t stop me from dreaming.
There are times that I wonder, am I truly insane? To keep hoping, to keep dreaming, to keep aiming so high.. and what’s worse, it’s not just dreaming, it actually translates into actions. I chase after, pursue and leap for these dreams almost as though my life depends on it. I work myself to the bone, only having a few short rest periods in 2-3 weeks. I burn midnight oil multiple times a week. I still find time to socialize and network. I ask of myself that I push myself to my limits because youth only comes once. I know I’ll regret in 20 years time if I don’t do all that’s in my capacity to right now. I don’t – won’t – accept anything less from myself. All these efforts, pushing the stakes higher and higher, raising the risk of complete and utter disappointment if, or when things fail to go as planned. Then what?
Quite frankly, at least once amongst every 2-3 cycles of this craziness, I feel the way I do today. World-weary. Worn out. I have given the best that I can give and I have no more left in me to push on. But somehow I still trudge forward. I never before saw that I had it in me to keep going and keep trying when everything else seemed so bleak, so hopeless, so futile. I’m just really glad that I am still trudging on and doing what it is that I have to do without complaints or unhappiness. Just do.
And of course, all of these take immense amounts of positivity and good cheer to just be able to crawl out of the heaps of critiques, politics and malicious words. The positivity to tell myself that if I can do it just once more I am that much closer to my end goal. The positivity to believe that if I do things with a different mindset, perspective or method this time I can achieve a different result. The positivity to just hang on for dear life and tell myself that hey, the sun shines on the other side, but I’m getting there.
But of course, I am never one of the people who can just zen out and admire the sound of cool calm water. I am almost always on the move, onto something new.
Oh, yes. One of the products of being so independent and different is just that somehow you incite a lot of hate. And it’s okay. It’s completely okay if you hate me. You see, people are always trying to cram you back into the default cookie cutter shape. Society’s norms – you bluster your way through school and come out then work an 8-5 job, right? And when someone is different, I think they go like, “Who is this person? She’s so normal, so typical, nothing special, then how come she has all that and I don’t have?” And so they do all they can to bring you down back into the cookie cutter mold. But, I have to say this first. Unless I have known you for a long time and you are someone precious to me, don’t expect me to take your words seriously enough to crumble for good. Because frankly speaking I don’t really care. If I’ve known you for less than half a year, you can’t expect to know me well enough to pass any judgments, can you? I might get hurt, because I’m only human. But it’s always my choice to stand up, break the mould (again) and walk my own path.
Maybe one day I will tell myself to stop trying. Who knows, one day I might just crash and give up there and then.
But at least until then, I’m running the race with the best I have to give. Enjoying the bliss of being able to indulge so flamboyantly in my passions and do crazy things because I’m still young. Being grateful because not everyone has the opportunity to do this.
I’m very blessed indeed 🙂
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