Since young I’ve realized that I’m a misfit.
I’ve gradually accepted that I will never be as academically-inclined as Rachel.
Neither will I be as fashionable as Jean.
Nor as sociable as Tina.
Not the fine lady that Eunice is.
Sometimes I feel like I’m feeling around in the dark, and occasionally I feel a bit like a deer caught in the headlights by life.
There’s still a long way more to go.. many other areas that I haven’t discovered. Meanwhile I’ll try to stave off the cynical and the jaded thoughts that keep threatening me.. because wonder is the start of gratitude! 🙂
I’ve also been bouncing around this thought in my head, that there are two blurred echelons to happiness, bliss, joy.
The first level will be a materialistic or very surface kind of happiness. You feel happy and you laugh. That kind of happiness can only reach the extent of bliss. And it’s not very sustainable, i.e. it’s not joy. So yes.
The second kind of happiness is deeper and it reaches the level of fulfillment. Perhaps it’s the realization that you are blessed enough to be able to give something up, but it requires sacrifice.
I think mostly I’m at level One, but through doing things, even small things, small tasks, like grocery, making a conscious effort to do what I can to ease the load of friends and family even if it’s inconvenient for me.. I’ve come to see that it’s when all my friends and family are happy that I am happy.
Maybe this is love?
But I’m still waiting for the day it finally occurs to me that my friends and family are beyond priceless and no amount of money is too much to spend on them! Because money still plays a very pivotal role.. as a teenage girl you covet many things you see. Maybe this covetousness never ends? Haha!
You guys. Do any of you have any idea what it’s like to mix work and pleasure?
It’s really absolutely liberating. For once I don’t have to drag myself to do something I’m obliged to do and it pleases me even more that I generally naturally excel in the things I do.
For example, Korean.
I think I’m learning pretty fast for a beginner and absorbing more and more each week because I’ve been watching variety shows and listening to songs, so I can expose myself to more of the language. Although I’ve learnt it elsewhere before, I practically gleaned nothing much except that I know how to read it. Mm.
Yet this is much more challenging (and thus fulfilling in a way) because I barely know the content that’s taught. At first go I start on the same slate as everyone else. Maybe I can read faster but so what, I work equally hard to stay at the top!
But I digress.
I was just thinking of how much joy it would bring me to be able to be in a field of work where I can both stay free (i.e. no nine to five hours because that’s just so mainstream), being able to do what I love best (translating, writing) and doing it for enough money to sustain me. Everyone dreams of this stuff right?
I never really thought my love of the Korean language would blossom into something that reaches far further than my love for the music, the culture. Never in my life. From just being a fangirl (still am) to being someone who would love the language just as much even if I had no K-pop, I guess I’ve grown.
And also it scares me that I bash myself up for every small mistake I make. For every word I get wrong in class, it’s back to repetitive writing until it’s impossible for me to forget that word ever again. And also, bashing myself up for the 98/100 that I got on my test today. Sometimes I think the pain of being “too close” is worse than the pain of being “too far”.
The key point here would be that despite doing so much and cramming all my bonding time with the babes (shopping, music, and more shopping) and exploring Singapore with the guys, I don’t regret anything because I’m happy doing what I do.
Even if it means I face the computer writing articles late into the night, or, whether I like it or not, force myself to go through the most boring grammar exercises and Korean news, or being so tired because I get less than 8 hours of sleep a night, I am happy.
Perhaps in a distant utopia this is what life is all about? About learning, about improving yourself, about being passionate for what you do?