7 | Consequence.

aplaceforart: summer, I need you. art by inslee.

(CR: aplaceforart.tumblr.com)

Just read Elainn’s post (which again, involved me) on her blog, and I felt inspired to say something about this. I thought a lot about whether or not to post this directly here, because usually posts here go through my private blog, a few days of refining, before it ever reaches the public eye, but here it is, so enjoy.

1. JUDGING

It has been a problem for me that because I am unorthodox in what I do, I get judged pretty often. For using makeup, I got judged. For being with the friends I have, I got judged. For being a good daughter I got judged. Okay people, hear this and hear this well. Unless you really have some good, valid points, I don’t give a shit what you say. But here’s my counter-arguments to yours, but if I can’t bring you round to my point of view on these things then I guess there’s really nothing left to say, is there?

First one, makeup. People have been accusing me of being fake, trying to be pretty, etc. The list goes on. I really don’t want to bother with the people who say “simple is beautiful” because as Xiaxue quite aptly put it, you want simple, go marry an amoeba. Can’t get much simpler than that, yes? But as for the rest of the accusations, or should I say judgments, it’s not so much of being fake or pretty, but more of self-love.

In Korea (and all of you know I can be pretty influenced by Korean culture sometimes) it’s only polite to step out of the house with at least a bit of make-up. And I can see why. Your duty to look good is not to anyone but yourself. If you really want to put the reason on someone and something, it would be that first impressions count and we ought to make the best first impressions we can, for various reasons. But the bulk of it lies with how much you care. I care about myself. Not to the extent of narcissism or placing myself above others, but I care that I could look so much healthier, so much better when I at least have some basic skincare routine and use a tiny amount of makeup. Don’t get what you all are making such a huge fuss about. For one it prepares me for working life when all of us will be using makeup, so it’s just a matter of when. And also don’t give me that bullshit about being young and all. Young is one thing, having foresight is another. I don’t think many makeup disasters can be brushed off in your workplace. I believe that as long as my basic motive is right and I’m not going to go chasing branded makeup or use lousy products that damage my skin, it’s fine. Judge all you want, really.

Second, about my friends, and questioning my choice of friends. So many comments on this that I don’t even know where to begin. Some question my choice of friends saying that I’m friends with the bitches and chummy with the bastards. Some say I only befriend losers. Some say I go for the pitiful cases cos I can’t get anywhere else with anyone. I don’t care about the attacks towards me and my choice, and I really truly have no time, no energy to give any shit about what they say, but I draw the line at what they say about my friends. I mean, I’m not going to obsess over you and hunt you like a hunting dog, but if one day I so happen to be in a raging mood and lash out at you, I’m not going to apologize to you for it. All I can say is, you had it coming.

Who are you to judge my friends, and judge me because of them? When I have seen the beauty and wonder in people and their characters, you judge them for some time when they slipped up, and you expect me to even believe your judgment is credible? Please, even typing this sounds ridiculous. There is no sense in that school of thought. So what if I’m friends with them? They are worth my time. I invest energy and time into building my friendships because these people have in some way or another made me see the beauty of life. Even Jiatyan and Elainn, whom I have fallen out countless times with, they’ve made me realize something about myself, and showed me something bigger than myself, and even now I still wonder how Jiatyan can be so whimsical and Elainn so pragmatic. They inspire me to become a better person. I used to hate Marissa precisely because I heard too much from people who obviously knew nothing, but now she’s constantly at my side encouraging me and I’m so thankful to have her here because she’s an ENFP too and to increasing extents I feel like I can understand her, there’s just this feeling of kindred spirits. Jialin and I have never truly fought but we have annoyed each other to no end, but she and I coming together are like sparks. We rub off on each other. She inspires new poems, and I appreciate her splendid works of art. Tina and I had some small misunderstanding, but she’s the closest to me now because I can connect with her and she is a thoroughly wonderful person, inside out. Qiaole, Szujin & Jieyin are the two nice ones who always always always make me want to achieve balance between my passionate side and my mellow side, because they’ve achieved that, and I like the effect of that. See? Just using the people in Alpaca, I can come up with all the reasons of why I admire all of them and respect each one of them. Not to mention my closer friends whom you are insulting.

Sometimes we all need a paradigm shift. We can be stubborn in believing what we want to, but unless we have a paradigm shift we’ll never be able to grow up. Seeing life through someone elses’ lens and understanding their perspective and their point of view is just so, so important.

2. Excuses

It’s occurred to me how after I told myself I’d be me (see the previous post) I began using it as an excuse for a lot of the things I do. For eg. Not happy with my parents for disapproving of me spending – it’s me. Not happy with what friends say – it’s just me. Refusing to change because it’s just me. Then it occurred to me (okay finally I know) that hey, there is a fine line between being me and creating all sorts of excuses for things to go my way. I gotta know the difference, and to all who had to bear the brunt of my tantrums/snappish behaviour, I’m sorry. 😦 It’s a transitional period for me right now and yeah it’s not easy but it’s no excuse.

Right that concludes this post until I go and meet Baogey later and inspire another post! ^_^

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