6 | outrageously chelsea.

Wikipedia:

Introspection (or internal perception) is the self-examination of one’s conscious thoughts and feelings. In psychology, the process of introspection relies exclusively on the purposeful and rational self-observation of one’s mental state; however, introspection is sometimes referenced in a spiritual context as the examination of one’s soul. Introspection is closely related to the philosophical concept of human self-reflection, and is contrasted with external observation. Introspection has generally provided a privileged insight by providing access to our own mental states. Introspection is not mediated by the interference of other sources of knowledge that one may acquire, the individual experience of the mind makes it unique from other processes. Introspection can determine any number of mental states including:sensory, bodily, cognitive, emotional,and so forth.

Alright, this post is a follow-up and hopefully a partial closure to the dilemma and turmoil of the past week. As you guys know I have this 牛脾气 and 固执 brain that just won’t let go of a problem or question once it’s hooked on. Well my current dilemma is, who am I really? Until I read this quote and I just got blown away.

But in every man there is something he cannot give up and still remain himself – a core, an identity, a thing that is summed up for him by the sound of his own name on his own ears.

-Arthur Miller on John Proctor, protagonist of The Crucible

So I asked myself this golden question, Chelsea, what defines you?

And then BINGO. It struck me. What defines me, is me.

All my life I’ve sought to stand out. As head prefect who came to Nanhua instead of RGS, as a Star 4 Leader who’s not in the least bit popular, to being in NCC because it’s so me but not liking to hang out that much with girls, to being the weakest yet most passionate Sports Leader, to being a smart yet lazy student, to having wicked intuition with words but no affinity with music or visual arts whatsoever, to liking fashion but being completely unable to dress like any style in particular, these are some of the good and bad points of being me. And I honestly always felt that that was a burden, like why, why can’t I just be a punk princess, or a chic stylish girl, or bubbly and cute, or sporty? I don’t fit into any of those cleanly. And all my life I wanted to be special and outstanding. When people start talking about primary school I’d be so proud of the fact that I was a Head Prefect although some others might think that I was a disgrace for landing in Nanhua (I still don’t regret my choice, sue me). I would be proud to boast of my lack of a daddy figure while growing up because it differentiated me from the millions of girls out there. I sought explanations for everything in me, trying to find a way to distinguish myself from the rest of the crowd one way or another. Which kinda backfired, cos I ended up exemplifying my own bad points to make myself stand out. Not good, Chelsea!

But today my breakthrough was in that I realized that hey, I don’t need to cleanly fit anywhere. I can be a bit of a punk princess in that I like hip hop, and be intuitive instead of studious, and be anything I want to, even if  it’s at the whims of my mood, and still be a completely unique person. No one is ever going to have the same special and distinguished heritage as me, no one is going to have my accolades, no one’s going to be able to do what I have done. I feel so peaceful now knowing that whatever I am, I am me. All I really need to do is to set my principles and morals right and operate sort of freely, but having a basic foundation in morals. Way to go!

After so much introspection I felt so secure and happy, I haven’t felt like that in a long time. Every time people said I was fat I’d find a million ways to escape that term because I felt like, “hey, I should be a fine lady cannot be fat no no no!” but now I’m like “Aiya, fat jiu fat lor.”

I’m sure being this secure in my own skin only has benefits to bring, in that I’ll be more confident and have higher self-esteem and self-love. 🙂

Anyway I asked a few people about bad points because these are people I love and trust and they rub off my bad corners! So here’s a few:

– Too kindhearted and free with my money

– Makes small issues seem big

– Focuses on sometimes the most irrelevant things

– Bad in priorities and doing what I should do

– Fail in carrying things out to completion

– Vengeful

– Poor money management

– Poor time management

All these are not stuff I haven’t noticed before so I’ll try my very very best to change!

And meanwhile, on this road that’s about to come ahead, a new season of my life, I know I’m about to embark on a road I’ve never been on before. That scares me a little, but I’ll make it through.

more art here!

Hello indeed, new Chelsea.

outrageously chelsea.

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