[ENG] IN THE END/EVENTUALLY
(T/N: Loosely translated from Chinese, will be refining it as I see need to)

Love is painful, all the love is painful
Repetitively, like a fool, that’s what I always do
But pain is beautiful, it’s the same as you
When desire becomes disappointment, hope becomes despair
Pain deepens as love grows deeper
Always expecting, thinking that this time would be different

In the end, after a few years, forever still hasn’t come
In the end.. isn’t this the right fate, I’m alone again
Barely.. barely.. barely.. I thought I already found true love
In the end, in the end again, it ends here

My heart is still as it was at first
But today I’m covered in wounds all over
Following your voice that’s gradually getting colder, my heart is freezing
We’re getting further apart, if we want to turn back
We’ve got no more feelings for each other, if we continue to hesitate
It’s just going to be more tiring, I send you a farewell gift and turn round
I’m falling without you

In the end.. whose fault is it, there is still no love
In the end.. is it still going to be a goodbye, I’m tired, I fall asleep gradually
Barely.. barely.. barely.. this is the end of our journey
In the end, in the end again, have we become strangers still

My heart is still as it was at first
But today I’m covered in wounds all over
Following your voice that’s gradually getting colder, my heart is freezing
We’re getting further apart, if we want to turn back
We’ve got no more feelings for each other, if we continue to hesitate
It’s just going to be more tiring, I send you a farewell gift and turn round
I’m falling without you
Yeah I’m falling without you.. hey

Let’s go
I didn’t know it at the start of course, I thought she’d be happy after she left
Only after a few days, I realized I should thank her
Of course I didn’t know, I once believed I would get on fine without you
Tomorrow isn’t today, after one or two years, the more the trials, the deeper the attraction
Attraction attraction attraction
I can only pray that it changes with time
For you my baby

My heart is still as it was at the start
But today I’m covered in wounds all over
Following your voice that’s gradually getting colder, my heart is freezing
We’re getting further apart, if we want to turn back
We’ve got no more feelings for each other, if we continue to hesitate
It’s just going to be more tiring, I send you a farewell gift and turn round
I’m falling without you

Yeah I’m falling without you

[HANGUL/ROM] 결국 Gyeolguk
Love is painful all the love is painful바보처럼 반복 That’s what I always do
babo cheoreom banbuk That’s what I always do
But pain is beautiful It’s same as you
희망은 실망으로 소망은 절망으로
hwimangeun silmangeuro somangeun jeolmangeuro
사랑이 깊어질수록 아픔은 deep해 더
sarang-i kipeojilsuruk apeum-eun deep hae deo
이번엔 다를 거란 착각 혹은 기대 uh
i-beon ehn dareul georan chaggak hukeun kidae uh

결국.. 몇 년이 지났을까 영원이란 건 없다
gyeolguk.. myeot nyeon-i jinatsseulkka yeongweon-iran geon oebtda
결국.. 인연이 아닌 걸까 다시 혼자가 되다
gyeolguk.. inyeoni anin geolkka dasi honjaga dwida
겨우.. 겨우.. 겨우..
gyeo-u.. gyeo-u.. gyeo-u..
진짜 사랑을 찾은 줄 알다가
jinjja sarangeul chajeun jul aldaga
결국.. 또 결국.. 이렇게 끝나버린다
gyeolguk.. tto gyeolguk.. i-reohkeh keutnabeorinda내 마음은 처음부터 그대로인데
nae maeum-eun cheoeumbuteo keudehroindeh
상처로 가득해 이젠 그대로 인해 점점 변해가
sangcheoro kadeukhae ijehn keudehro inhae jeomjeom byeonhaega
차가운 네 목소리에 나도 식어가고
chagaeun neh moksori-eh nado sigeogago
멀어지는 우리 사이 되돌리기엔
meoreojineun uri sa-i dwidulligiehn
아무 감정 없이 서로를 맴돌기엔 힘에 겨워 나
amu kamjeong eobsi seororeul maemdolgiehn him-eh kyeoweo na
이별을 선물하고 돌아서
i-byeoreul seonmulhago dulraseo
I’m fallin’ without you결국.. 누구의 잘못일까 사랑이란 건 없다
gyeolguk.. nugu-ui jalmutsilkka sarang-iran geon oebtda
결국.. 이별이 지는 걸까 지쳐 나 잠이 들다
gyeolguk.. i-byeol-i jineun geolkka jichyeo na jam-i deulda
겨우.. 겨우.. 겨우..
gyeo-u.. gyeo-u.. gyeo-u
여기까지가 마지막인지 우린
yeogikkajiga majimakinji urin
결국.. 또 결국.. 또 다시 남이 된다
gyeolguk.. tto gyeolguk.. tto dasi nam-i dwinda

내 마음은 처음부터 그대로인데
nae maeum-eun cheoeumbuteo keudehroindeh
상처로 가득해 이젠 그대로 인해 점점 변해가
sangcheoro kadeukhae ijehn keudehro inhae jeomjeom byeonhaega
차가운 네 목소리에 나도 식어가고
chagaeun neh moksori-eh nado sigeogago
멀어지는 우리 사이 되돌리기엔
meoreojineun uri sa-i dwidulligiehn
아무 감정 없이 서로를 맴돌기엔 힘에 겨워 나
amu kamjeong eobsi seororeul maemdolgiehn him-eh kyeoweo na
이별을 선물하고 돌아서
i-byeoreul seonmulhago dulraseo
I’m fallin’ without you
ye I’m fallin’ without you hey..

Let’s go
처음에는 몰랐겠지

cheoeumehneun mollatgetji
그녀의 빈 자리가 좋았겠지
geunyeoui bin jariga johatgetji
하루 이틀 모레 지나 보낸 뒤에서야
haru i-keul moleh jina bonehn dwiehseoya
비로소 그녀가 고맙겠지
biroso keunyaga gomapketji
몰랐겠지 네 자신에 대해
mollatketji neh jasineh daehae
너 없이 잘 살 수 있다던 그 확신에 대해
neo eobsi jal sal su itdadeon keu hwaksineh daehae
오늘과 다른 내일 벌써 1, 2년
oneulgwa dareun neh-il beolsshi 1,2 nyeon
이 시련만큼 늘어나는 미련
i-siryeonmankeum neureonaneun miryeon시간이 지나면 달라지길 기도해
sigani jinamyeon dallajikil gidohae
For you my baby
내 마음은 처음부터 그대로인데
nae maeum-eun cheoeumbuteo keudehroindeh
상처로 가득해 이젠 그대로 인해 점점 변해가
sangcheoro kadeukhae ijehn keudehro inhae jeomjeom byeonhaega
차가운 네 목소리에 나도 식어가고
chagaeun neh moksori-eh nado sigeogago
멀어지는 우리 사이 되돌리기엔
meoreojineun uri sa-i dwidulligiehn
아무 감정 없이 서로를 맴돌기엔 힘에 겨워 나
amu kamjeong eobsi seororeul maemdolgiehn him-eh kyeoweo na
이별을 선물하고 돌아서
i-byeoreul seonmulhago dulraseo
I’m fallin’ without you
ye I’m fallin’ without you..

DO NOT TAKE OUT WITHOUT PROPER CREDITS
Translation: twitter.com/faithintvxq
If you intend to use this lyric for a particular video or for any other purpose, please email chelsea.sj@hotmail.com to at least let me know. It’s basic courtesy.
To highlight errors and inaccuracies in translation, tweet me at @faithintvxq or email me at chelsea.sj@hotmail.com.

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7 | Consequence.

aplaceforart: summer, I need you. art by inslee.

(CR: aplaceforart.tumblr.com)

Just read Elainn’s post (which again, involved me) on her blog, and I felt inspired to say something about this. I thought a lot about whether or not to post this directly here, because usually posts here go through my private blog, a few days of refining, before it ever reaches the public eye, but here it is, so enjoy.

1. JUDGING

It has been a problem for me that because I am unorthodox in what I do, I get judged pretty often. For using makeup, I got judged. For being with the friends I have, I got judged. For being a good daughter I got judged. Okay people, hear this and hear this well. Unless you really have some good, valid points, I don’t give a shit what you say. But here’s my counter-arguments to yours, but if I can’t bring you round to my point of view on these things then I guess there’s really nothing left to say, is there?

First one, makeup. People have been accusing me of being fake, trying to be pretty, etc. The list goes on. I really don’t want to bother with the people who say “simple is beautiful” because as Xiaxue quite aptly put it, you want simple, go marry an amoeba. Can’t get much simpler than that, yes? But as for the rest of the accusations, or should I say judgments, it’s not so much of being fake or pretty, but more of self-love.

In Korea (and all of you know I can be pretty influenced by Korean culture sometimes) it’s only polite to step out of the house with at least a bit of make-up. And I can see why. Your duty to look good is not to anyone but yourself. If you really want to put the reason on someone and something, it would be that first impressions count and we ought to make the best first impressions we can, for various reasons. But the bulk of it lies with how much you care. I care about myself. Not to the extent of narcissism or placing myself above others, but I care that I could look so much healthier, so much better when I at least have some basic skincare routine and use a tiny amount of makeup. Don’t get what you all are making such a huge fuss about. For one it prepares me for working life when all of us will be using makeup, so it’s just a matter of when. And also don’t give me that bullshit about being young and all. Young is one thing, having foresight is another. I don’t think many makeup disasters can be brushed off in your workplace. I believe that as long as my basic motive is right and I’m not going to go chasing branded makeup or use lousy products that damage my skin, it’s fine. Judge all you want, really.

Second, about my friends, and questioning my choice of friends. So many comments on this that I don’t even know where to begin. Some question my choice of friends saying that I’m friends with the bitches and chummy with the bastards. Some say I only befriend losers. Some say I go for the pitiful cases cos I can’t get anywhere else with anyone. I don’t care about the attacks towards me and my choice, and I really truly have no time, no energy to give any shit about what they say, but I draw the line at what they say about my friends. I mean, I’m not going to obsess over you and hunt you like a hunting dog, but if one day I so happen to be in a raging mood and lash out at you, I’m not going to apologize to you for it. All I can say is, you had it coming.

Who are you to judge my friends, and judge me because of them? When I have seen the beauty and wonder in people and their characters, you judge them for some time when they slipped up, and you expect me to even believe your judgment is credible? Please, even typing this sounds ridiculous. There is no sense in that school of thought. So what if I’m friends with them? They are worth my time. I invest energy and time into building my friendships because these people have in some way or another made me see the beauty of life. Even Jiatyan and Elainn, whom I have fallen out countless times with, they’ve made me realize something about myself, and showed me something bigger than myself, and even now I still wonder how Jiatyan can be so whimsical and Elainn so pragmatic. They inspire me to become a better person. I used to hate Marissa precisely because I heard too much from people who obviously knew nothing, but now she’s constantly at my side encouraging me and I’m so thankful to have her here because she’s an ENFP too and to increasing extents I feel like I can understand her, there’s just this feeling of kindred spirits. Jialin and I have never truly fought but we have annoyed each other to no end, but she and I coming together are like sparks. We rub off on each other. She inspires new poems, and I appreciate her splendid works of art. Tina and I had some small misunderstanding, but she’s the closest to me now because I can connect with her and she is a thoroughly wonderful person, inside out. Qiaole, Szujin & Jieyin are the two nice ones who always always always make me want to achieve balance between my passionate side and my mellow side, because they’ve achieved that, and I like the effect of that. See? Just using the people in Alpaca, I can come up with all the reasons of why I admire all of them and respect each one of them. Not to mention my closer friends whom you are insulting.

Sometimes we all need a paradigm shift. We can be stubborn in believing what we want to, but unless we have a paradigm shift we’ll never be able to grow up. Seeing life through someone elses’ lens and understanding their perspective and their point of view is just so, so important.

2. Excuses

It’s occurred to me how after I told myself I’d be me (see the previous post) I began using it as an excuse for a lot of the things I do. For eg. Not happy with my parents for disapproving of me spending – it’s me. Not happy with what friends say – it’s just me. Refusing to change because it’s just me. Then it occurred to me (okay finally I know) that hey, there is a fine line between being me and creating all sorts of excuses for things to go my way. I gotta know the difference, and to all who had to bear the brunt of my tantrums/snappish behaviour, I’m sorry. 😦 It’s a transitional period for me right now and yeah it’s not easy but it’s no excuse.

Right that concludes this post until I go and meet Baogey later and inspire another post! ^_^

6 | outrageously chelsea.

Wikipedia:

Introspection (or internal perception) is the self-examination of one’s conscious thoughts and feelings. In psychology, the process of introspection relies exclusively on the purposeful and rational self-observation of one’s mental state; however, introspection is sometimes referenced in a spiritual context as the examination of one’s soul. Introspection is closely related to the philosophical concept of human self-reflection, and is contrasted with external observation. Introspection has generally provided a privileged insight by providing access to our own mental states. Introspection is not mediated by the interference of other sources of knowledge that one may acquire, the individual experience of the mind makes it unique from other processes. Introspection can determine any number of mental states including:sensory, bodily, cognitive, emotional,and so forth.

Alright, this post is a follow-up and hopefully a partial closure to the dilemma and turmoil of the past week. As you guys know I have this 牛脾气 and 固执 brain that just won’t let go of a problem or question once it’s hooked on. Well my current dilemma is, who am I really? Until I read this quote and I just got blown away.

But in every man there is something he cannot give up and still remain himself – a core, an identity, a thing that is summed up for him by the sound of his own name on his own ears.

-Arthur Miller on John Proctor, protagonist of The Crucible

So I asked myself this golden question, Chelsea, what defines you?

And then BINGO. It struck me. What defines me, is me.

All my life I’ve sought to stand out. As head prefect who came to Nanhua instead of RGS, as a Star 4 Leader who’s not in the least bit popular, to being in NCC because it’s so me but not liking to hang out that much with girls, to being the weakest yet most passionate Sports Leader, to being a smart yet lazy student, to having wicked intuition with words but no affinity with music or visual arts whatsoever, to liking fashion but being completely unable to dress like any style in particular, these are some of the good and bad points of being me. And I honestly always felt that that was a burden, like why, why can’t I just be a punk princess, or a chic stylish girl, or bubbly and cute, or sporty? I don’t fit into any of those cleanly. And all my life I wanted to be special and outstanding. When people start talking about primary school I’d be so proud of the fact that I was a Head Prefect although some others might think that I was a disgrace for landing in Nanhua (I still don’t regret my choice, sue me). I would be proud to boast of my lack of a daddy figure while growing up because it differentiated me from the millions of girls out there. I sought explanations for everything in me, trying to find a way to distinguish myself from the rest of the crowd one way or another. Which kinda backfired, cos I ended up exemplifying my own bad points to make myself stand out. Not good, Chelsea!

But today my breakthrough was in that I realized that hey, I don’t need to cleanly fit anywhere. I can be a bit of a punk princess in that I like hip hop, and be intuitive instead of studious, and be anything I want to, even if  it’s at the whims of my mood, and still be a completely unique person. No one is ever going to have the same special and distinguished heritage as me, no one is going to have my accolades, no one’s going to be able to do what I have done. I feel so peaceful now knowing that whatever I am, I am me. All I really need to do is to set my principles and morals right and operate sort of freely, but having a basic foundation in morals. Way to go!

After so much introspection I felt so secure and happy, I haven’t felt like that in a long time. Every time people said I was fat I’d find a million ways to escape that term because I felt like, “hey, I should be a fine lady cannot be fat no no no!” but now I’m like “Aiya, fat jiu fat lor.”

I’m sure being this secure in my own skin only has benefits to bring, in that I’ll be more confident and have higher self-esteem and self-love. 🙂

Anyway I asked a few people about bad points because these are people I love and trust and they rub off my bad corners! So here’s a few:

– Too kindhearted and free with my money

– Makes small issues seem big

– Focuses on sometimes the most irrelevant things

– Bad in priorities and doing what I should do

– Fail in carrying things out to completion

– Vengeful

– Poor money management

– Poor time management

All these are not stuff I haven’t noticed before so I’ll try my very very best to change!

And meanwhile, on this road that’s about to come ahead, a new season of my life, I know I’m about to embark on a road I’ve never been on before. That scares me a little, but I’ll make it through.

more art here!

Hello indeed, new Chelsea.

outrageously chelsea.

5 | Because I am AA.

From Baogey’s blog, @unicornandsunflowers.wp.com

Today was just a roller coaster ride for me. The previous night I ran out of house and stayed out all the way to the next morning before going home and catching some sleep then rushing out to meet CHELSEA SIM JIAMIN (she loves being mentioned so..) for movie and shopping! No pictures because I forgot my camera plus she might crack my screen. (teehee)

She touched my heart the moment I woke up and checked my phone. I woke up later than planned and I knew I was running late, so I texted her to push back the meeting time some more. I would’ve been pissed off if I were her, but alas, she asked me to go back to sleep and she’ll wake me up again. AWW HOW THOUGHTFUL!!! I was seriously damn touched.

When we met up and spent the day together, everything was awesome like duh. But honestly it’s been damn long since I could dress up to meet a friend, especially from school. I normally don’t dare to dress up because I know my friends aren’t the type to specially dress up just for a movie,and I’ll just look weird if I were to wear a dress and everything when my friends were wearing shorts and tee. But for her, it’s different. She was the one who suggested we wear a dress, and she’s probably the only one right now who wears makeup too.

Being a vain pot, I asked her to wear makeup as well because I wanted to test my skills but didn’t want to be the only one. To my surprise she gladly obliged though with complaints. I was so grateful to her! All along I’ve been the one to give in to people’s requests, and it really felt good to have someone give in to me for once..

We might have completely different dressing styles and preferences, but somehow we still can click, and she’s one of the rare few friends in my life who’d actually buy as much as I do when we go out. The worst shopping partner a girl can be would be someone who doesn’t buy anything, doesn’t like anything, and above all, doesn’t have an opinion. I hate it when I go shopping with someone and I ask her if I should get it and the reply is always “if you want/like it..” DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW IRRITATING IT IS? The point of asking you was because I want it but I’m not sure if it will look good on me or if it’s worth it! Ok this blog is for good things.. Zen..

My point is, she’s just an awesome shopping partner who’s not afraid to spend but doesn’t just shop blindly and buy everything she sees on impulse. Though she’s the kind of buyer who buys something just because it looks good, keep it in her wardrobe, decides she doesn’t want it after a while then finds a way to get rid of it, but that only happens when she goes to bugis (thank goodness). And she gives opinions!!!! That’s like the most important trait a good shopping partner should have.

The story of the both of us, if I were to summarise it into a word, would be “TWISTED”. We just keep quarreling and making up then fall out again then reconcile. Twisted. But she still stayed in the end, and I’m super thankful. She’s one of the few people in my life who don’t give a shit about what people think about her, and I really need more of this kind of influence. Of course there are others who also do the same and always provide me with the support I need, but I’ll blog about them next time when I get a picture with them. She’s just this weirdo that I hate yet love at the same time. I hate complimenting her, but I still can’t help but do it when I see something good in her, though it’s super rare.

She might not be the kind of person SOME people would wanna be associated with, and SOME people might not like her at all. But I’m not afraid of the judgment this post will bring, because I wanna share anything that’s good in my life. Like, every single freaking small thing. Other awesome friends will get their turn, but today I spent time with her, so I will post about her. Sue me, bitch.

To end off, I wanna do something that will make you damn touched, CHELSEA SIM.

CHELSEA SIM, I LOVE YOU. THANK YOU FOR BEING MY FRIEND. *kiss face*

Thank you my friend!

Think she’s said everything that I need to say, but just to clarify, and after saying this you can judge me all you want. We don’t put makeup for any reason other than we want to learn how to use it for future work functions so we’ll be a step ahead of y’all makeup newbies. Read and internalized it? Good, now you can judge me all you want.

PS: Yes I bawled my eyes out at Imperfect. Why did Li Nanxing have to die? Overall, I thought the story was good (lesson learnt: don’t join gangs) but the way the storyline was plotted out could’ve been better. I mean, more coverage on the daddy&son reunion and not a sudden death, more on how his death impacted the son. 🙂

———–

Anyway in my rather long hiatus thus far life has, as always, been full of drama. But I’ve made certain discoveries about myself.

1. I am super, super stubborn.

2. I can twist almost everything to suit myself. Link it back to point 1 and you’ll realize it’s actually really detrimental.

3. I am more logical than I thought, and there is such a thing such as being balanced.

4. I learnt to be more tactful and mellow.

5. I learnt how to be diplomatic, easygoing, amiable and sincere. 🙂

Anyhoo, tomorrow’s shopping day with Jean! Gonna spend a bomb again but yeah. So until tomorrow, tata!